It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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