i wish my penis had a tongue
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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