you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
