I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
