I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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