Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
