Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
