New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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