I hate your face
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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