I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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