Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
