before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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