I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
