I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
