Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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