SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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