So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
