You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
