forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
