just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
