I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
