They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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