He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
