You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
3pm strippers are depressing
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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