Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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