I think I died a long time ago.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
