be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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