Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
