So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
