Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
