i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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