Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
