if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
