Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
