I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
this is an emotional support booty call
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
