Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
