We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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