The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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