Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Randomize
