i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My breasts were aching with rage.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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