Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i think i have herpe
just one?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
