I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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