life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Are we still banned from the library?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
