So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
