You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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