my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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