how hairy? two words: wookie tits
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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