Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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