listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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