I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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