I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
