Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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