Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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