The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
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